


Hyperventilate

by cootpancake



Series: Pancake's Starbucks Sippy Cup [11]
Category: Paladins: Champions Of The Realm (Video Game)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Hallucinations, Hearing Voices, M/M, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, WE HAVE AN OFFICIAL TAG FOR THE SHIP
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-22
Updated: 2019-11-22
Packaged: 2021-02-18 02:33:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21520450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cootpancake/pseuds/cootpancake
Summary: "-in the months after I was told of her death, I would see her shadow creeping across the walls, as if her spirit followed, taunting me. You need not be alone, for I was the same in the years of my youth."Sitting alone on the mountainside, Buck remembers those he has lost, those he has taken and those he could have saved. Mocking him, a punishment to last his lifetime. But, Jenos will not let the one he loves suffer in silence.
Relationships: Buck/Jenos (Paladins)
Series: Pancake's Starbucks Sippy Cup [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1274375
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	Hyperventilate

**Author's Note:**

> 'The one in which Buck has shadow like flashbacks around him of people he's seen die, people he's killed himself and people he could have saved, but he's not alone.'
> 
> (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧ BREAK OUT YOUR KAZOOS BOIS BECAUSE WE FINALLY HAVE AN OFFICIAL SHIP TAG FOR BEST PALADINS SHIP
> 
> This is just a soft fic that plays onto some lore in which Buck was in the thousand hands and that it haunts him to this day.

When did the air become so thick? When did it become so hard to breathe? Buck was just meditating, that's all he was doing, but the shadows were creeping, they were crawling and they were sneaking. They found him again, no matter how far or fast he tries to run. Black spots started to cloud his vision, his mind spiraling into a state of panic.

He turned around, back facing the mountain's edge, he saw himself. He stood tall, he was condescending, his eyes flickered in dangerous shades of red, he wore no gloves to show off the scar from his branding, the symbol of the Thousand Hands. No, this wasn't him anymore, he wasn't like this, he was a changed man now. He glanced over from his own shadow to the two standing next to him, it was Sha Lin and Koga.

' _No, go away. This isn't us, we changed, we're different. Go away, get out of my head.'_

Clutching the sides of his head, Buck sunk to the ground, shadowy voices wracking around in his head, laughing at him, mocking him, like he was weak. They wouldn't do this, the three of them had changed, they were in this war together, here for redemption, here for a real family, a family that Zhin couldn't give them. Even Ying knew that, and she was a simple slave, a prisoner that stood beneath the three of them, but they changed together, and they all fled together, seeking a second chance.

But they were back, his old self was back to get him and with him he brought back the images of the many that have been lost. The many people he's watched die around him, and he stood, an watched. The twisted him that he left behind, forever, yet he still comes back and brings all the painful memories along with it.

_"Well, really didn't think that ya' sad sorry ass would be like this again, you turned real fuckin' soft."_ Buck's shadow stepped forwards, looking down his nose at his real self, his red eyes pulsed in a condescending manner as he smirked.

"Go away, you aren't me. You're never gonna _be_ me, so leave me alone." Curling in on himself, Buck could feel hot tears sting his skin. A chant of ' _Go away, leave me alone'_ being repeated mercilessly in his own head. 

" _Funny, because it wasn't that long ago when you_ were _me. I'm always gonna be in you, as well as the lives you took with your own goddamn hands"_ His shadow knelt in front of himself, locking eyes with the man on the floor, tears pouring out of his eyes, stricken by fear and shaking like a leaf.

"No, no, go away, go away. Leave me alone, I'm not like you, you aren't me." Buck threw his head to the floor so he wouldn't see the shadows surrounding him, tears dripping down from his stained face into the dirt. He was openly whimpering, shaking, his entire body calling out for some kind of salvation, screwing his eyes shut to block out as much as he could.

Buck was floating, when was he floating? He cracked his eyes open to flood of light, he had no clue where he was, but he was floating. There were pinpricks of light everywhere, covering his vision and they blocked out all the shadows.

It wasn't just light, they were stars.

A pair of arms wrapped themselves around his broad chest, pulling him up to extend his body, a face pressed into his sternum. A familiar body pressed right into him, he looked down to see a familiar head of blue hair. His chest relaxed, his breath started flowing again, he felt warm, loved, he felt whole.

White eyes looked up to meet his emerald ones, goddammit not now, Buck could feel his tears start flowing again at the sight of his boyfriend. Someone who understood him, someone who knew him for who he really was, someone who looked through his past, and looked into his true self.

"I am here, I could feel your pains within me from the camp. I looked into your soul, and felt all of your strife for myself, I will not allow it to be a pain that blackens only your heart, I will bear this burden with you." Jenos raised his body to level himself with the other, pulling his mask off and tucking it under his cloak, almost as a display of trust.

"B-but... why would ya' do that? 'm broken..." Buck hung his head low in shame, like he was expecting Jenos to push him away because he wasn't whole, because he wasn't as happy as he always seemed, because he, like other people, was broken and had searched his entire life to find a way to piece himself back together.

"If you are broken, then what would that make me?" Jenos looked into Buck's eyes, deadly serious about his statement. It was an understatement to say that the other was taken aback by the question.

"Y-you're a god though! 'm just some runaway soldier." Buck kept his voice quiet, the silent tears that were flowing threatened to send whimpers and cries straight through his throat again.

"That is correct, but you do not know of who I once was. I am sure you have heard stories of the two scourges, two large attacks that happened centuries ago. One on the stagalla, and one one my old home." Jenos started to nestle himself into the crook of his boyfriend's neck, seeking comfort, his voice starting to slightly hitch.

"Your home?"

"Yes, my home. My sister was a sorceress, one of the few people who could protect our community, we were told to flee, to seek protection and shelter elsewhere and she promised me that when all was said and done, she would come find me. She never did." Jenos' hands started curling into fists in Buck's clothing.

"Woah... why though?" Buck encased Jenos in a large bear hug, holding him as close as possible.

"She- the small group that protected our village didn't survive. I had fled so far into the mountains that I had discovered the monastery, they became my new family, but because of this, I was late to receive the news. A messenger had searched the mountains for me, and when I was found, he pushed a letter into my hands, my name inscribed on the front."

"Oh... That's- That's horrible..."

"It was a letter my sister had written to be given to me if she didn't survive the fight, it was a message to tell me how much she loved me and that for eternity her spirit would watch over me, but, I felt responsible for her death, that I had fled, that I could have stayed and tried to do something, no matter how small it was."

"Even though there was nothin' you could've done?"

"Yes, in the months after I was told of her death, I would see her shadow creeping across the walls, as if her spirit followed, taunting me. You need not be alone, for I was the same in the years of my youth."

The two lovers held each other close in the cosmic dreamworld, the edges starting to fade, bringing them back to reality on the mountainside, into silence, where only they remained. Only tiny whimper could be heard, but they were pulled together, they would share the burden of past mistakes.

Pulling away for a moment, looking deep into each other's eyes for what seemed like minutes. Buck's eyes still clouded with tears, but his breaths were steady. Jenos appeared calm, yet his heart was beating wildly. They both pressed into one another to lock their lips together, their tender kiss was fueled by emotion and passion, a symbol of how much they trusted each other, the strength in their relationship.

Buck knew, that if he had Jenos to bear his pain with him, everything would be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> ship jenos x buck or perish


End file.
